Getting out in 2021 is difficult. Dating a fat person in 2021 is more difficult. Of course, we all face the normal vexes of dating, like being ghosts and navigating between f ** k boys. But when you’re fat (or part of a marginalized identity), you can take all of those things you hate about dating and add dehumanization to it.
When normal-sized people create their online dating profiles, they usually display all the images they think will get them the most matches. But fat women all know “the look” when you show up on a first date and he’s noticeably disappointed, so now we’re terrified of it happening again, no matter how meticulously we chose the photos. to make sure we show them accurately what our body looks like.
Once we’ve picked out the photos, we need to decide if we want to add a “fat warning label” to our bio, you know, just in case. Example: “Fat and I like it!” or “May appear taller in person.”
Then we bring our profiles to a discussion group of our friends and ask questions like, “Does this sound like me?” You can clearly tell I’m fat in this photo, right? Is this dress too flattering? Do I look fat enough? Do I have enough photos of the whole body? “
It all ends with our straight sized friends staring at us like we’re crazy, but how would they understand? They were never accused of being a catfish because they posted a “flattering photo”. And this is only the first step in creating an online profile as a fat woman.
We created our podcast »Slip fat“ exactly because of this. We met through mutual friends (yes, a date with a friend!) And instantly clicked because we could talk about things that only torment fat women when we are dating. Well, at least when you’re dating guys. We’re both heterosexual, so that’s the bulk of our experience.
At that point, during our date with a friend, we realized that we could be more open and honest with each other than we could ever be with our straight friends who didn’t understand what it was like being plus size and dating. .
By launching the podcast and the community we’ve built with “Fat Swipe” we’ve learned that A LOT of fat women feel alike and don’t have these fat friends to validate their experiences, so they aren’t in a position to. evacuate or feel that their experiences are normal.
One topic that we have discussed that many fat women find relatable is the process of sweeping people. Let’s say you’ve perfected your online dating presence – now you need to move on to correspondence with people and conversation. Should we sweep right on this guy who we think maybe “out of our league?” Or should we play it safe and only slide right on guys we expect to like ourselves too? Taking a pic of the hot and fit dude sometimes seems like a big risk, but who’s to say we shouldn’t take that pic?
Unfortunately, the media and society have conditioned us to think that the “hot” fit guy can’t like a plus-size woman unless he has a big fetish – another big concern of fat women when dating!
One topic we talk about a lot in the podcast is the preference for fat fetish and fat. It’s a lot of bullshit trying to find out if a man is attracted to you for your bigger body type and your personality or just your height.
Nicci, for example, has had a few dates with a guy who not only had a big fetish, but was a feeder, someone who becomes sexually aroused by feeding a partner and encouraging them to gain weight. Until then, she only saw people who were drawn to her body as a benefit, but since then she must have wondered if a man is dating her for her – or just her body.
Being fetishized has been a big concern for Alex ever since a guy proclaimed, “I love having sex with fat women.” When was it about having sex with a fatty body and not with her in particular? Having a fetish is good if it is consensual – who are we to judge? – but we personally want to be seen for more than our bodies. We want someone to love us for us, not just for our weight.
A lot of men might have a preference for fat, but aren’t comfortable admitting it to friends or family, which brings us to the subject of cover-up. Let’s say you finally meet someone, and they love you for you and are drawn to all of you – your body and your personality! But you’ve been dating for a while and haven’t met any of their friends or family. Are they embarrassed by you?
You know that scene from “Shrill” where Aidy Bryant’s character is basically being pushed out the window because the guy didn’t want his roommates to find out he was dating her? Most of the fat women have been there. We’re good enough in the bedroom, but not good enough to go out to a dinner party or to a friend’s birthday party.
All we really want when we team up with a guy on a dating app is to have a nerdy pickup line or daddy joke as an opening like our straight sized friends do. Instead, women with fat bodies tend to have openers that immediately sexualize us like, “choke me with that body” or “Ooooh, I love a tall woman.”
Let’s say a guy approaches you the right way, but as soon as you reject them they come back with a line like, “Well, you’re fat anyway.” Yeah, man, we know we’re fat. You were really into it until I said no to a first date or a third because we have nothing in common.
After you’ve been through this more times than you can count, once you find a great guy you start to guess. The trauma of being rejected because of your weight so many times sets in, no matter how confident you are.
These concerns when dating a plus-size woman are just the tip of the iceberg, and we believe it’s time for a change. We are ready for the fatphobic society we live in to catch up.
We want people to realize you can be fat and hot. This fat woman can have the “fairy tale”. That we shouldn’t be hiding and even trying to go out because of the fear of rejection, or zoning ourselves out because there’s no way a guy will love us, or not slip in. straight just out of fear that we may ” be loved. There is a lot of the work that remains to be done, we are just thankful that people who look like us are starting to have a voice and be seen.
We can and deserve to be loved.
Nicci and Alex are currently the stars of bspokeTVof New meet show, “Dating in the Modern Age.” “DITMA” is a dating show focused on what dating really looks like for normal people – and especially during a pandemic! They are also co-hosts of a weekly podcast called “Fat Swipe,” which focuses on dating while plus size.
Do you have a compelling personal story that you would like to see posted on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch!
Calling all super HuffPost fans!
Sign up to become a Founding Member and help shape the next chapter of HuffPost