My wife loves her ex-husband more than me

DEAR ABBY: Almost four years ago I married a friend I had known since 1989. She was a widow and we fell in love unexpectedly. The first three years she constantly talked about her late husband. I told her lovingly and calmly a few times that I didn’t think she would like me to mention my late wife and former friends so often. It continued. I can’t bear to hear his name anymore. It makes me feel like I’m ranked very low in importance, after her four children, her dead husband and herself. Over the past six months or so, she’s finally figured it out and doesn’t mention it again, but I’m still upset knowing I’m number seven on her list. Will I ever get over it? She found a note months ago in which I described my feelings about this, and in which I mentioned that I no longer wanted to be married to her. Any opinions will be welcome. — INSIGNIFICANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNIMPORTANT: The woman you married has a lot of history, as I’m sure you do. It’s not uncommon for someone to mention the name of their deceased spouse years later, but your wife was unresponsive in continuing to do so after you told her it made you uncomfortable. If her relationship with her adult children interferes with her relationship with you, this should be discussed during marriage counseling. If you really feel like you’re last on his list of priorities, you need to decide whether you want to end the marriage or, when you wrote that note, you were just blowing off steam.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32 year old mother of four (11 month old twins, a 4 year old and a 6 year old). I have been married for six years. I am a girl from the south, but my husband is an immigrant to this country. When he emigrated, he settled in the North. I always told her before and during our marriage that I don’t like the North. I want to move somewhere in the south or at least in the center of the country. We’re house hunting right now, and he keeps showing me houses up north, even though he knows I don’t want to live here. I get that he loves our stability here and the friends we’ve made over the years, but we have so much flexibility with our jobs that we can move to a place we both love. Recently he said I could go live down south if I wanted to, on my own. So now I’m wondering, should I break up our family and take his word for it, or keep talking to him about it until I get his okay? — NEGATIVE NORTH

DEAR NEGATIVE: Base the decision on where to live less on geography and more on where your children can get the best education and where the cost of living is more affordable. That your husband has informed you (four children later) that he has no intention of compromising is unfortunate. Because you’re so keen on going back to your roots, you might be able to after the kids grow up. I don’t think it’s worth breaking up a marriage – unless that’s how your husband addresses himself. each disagreement.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.