DEAR ABBY: My mother is still married to the man who molested my siblings and me. How can I forgive him and get over this? We had a close mother-daughter relationship until two years ago, when I asked her why she was still married to the man who her children had repeatedly told her had molested them. She did not answer. She chose it, left and we haven’t spoken since. It’s difficult for me to deal with. I don’t understand and I don’t know how to get out of it. Not having your mother because she passed away is hard, but the feeling of not having her while she was alive is a whole different kind of pain. — FULL OF PAIN IN TEXAS
DEAR FULL OF PAIN: In my opinion, not all sins are forgivable. Chief among them is turning a blind eye to child victims of sexual abuse. Your mother made her choice years ago and I can only imagine how much it hurt you. An organization called RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) can be helpful because it can connect you with experienced therapists. (The website is rainn.org.)
The man your mother swore allegiance to is a danger to the community. If he abused you and your siblings, he would have no qualms about doing it to other children if the opportunity arose. You (and your siblings) should tell the police what happened to you, because it could happen again and again.
DEAR ABBY: My fiancé and I went to his coworker “Tina’s” house on a Friday evening to socialize and play trivia games. We had been to her house before, for a Christmas party. Tina was wearing a short skirt and when she sat down you could see right down to her black lace panties. During our heads-up game, she sat right across from my fiancé. While people were laughing and having fun drinking and playing games, all I could notice was her panties and Tina’s loud laughter. She was drinking and my fiancé asked her, “Baby, are you feeling okay?” He said it loudly. Everyone heard it and I felt really angry and red in the face. Why did he call her baby? That’s what we call ourselves!
I don’t want to go back to Tina’s house. My fiancé says I overreacted. He doesn’t tell me about his activities at work or outings with friends. We usually go out alone together. When I think about that night, I still feel upset. Are my feelings valid? Do you think we need couples therapy before we get married? — MALAYS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONCERNED: Let me save you some money. Rather than telling your fiancé that you think you need couples counseling because his co-worker is drinking too much, say instead that you weren’t impressed by Tina’s performance that night and would prefer to avoid dinner parties. games at home and socializing. with people with whom you have more in common.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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