How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how to do it,
I’m a cis woman dealing with a multitude of health issues that leave me with little to no sexual desire, much less ability to have it. My hot days are rare and almost always coincide with my cycle.
But no matter how long it’s been, no matter how horny we are, my partner (a heterosexual cis man) won’t have sex with me when I’m on my period! This wouldn’t be a big deal if my cycle wasn’t out of whack right now, but I have bleeding at least every two weeks, and it’s further limiting our already limited sex life. It seems unfair that he lets a rare warm day go to waste because of a little blood, but he’d rather wait for the magical day when all the stars align and the red sea parts than touch me when I’m impure (I’m being facetious, but still).
Although it infuriates me, I respect his aversion and will be entertained if I find myself aroused on a day when I’m actively bleeding, but if I’m barely bleeding, I usually go anyway, with the intention of taking action. as surprised as he is if he notices a bit of red (in my defense, I only do this when I’m 99.9% sure I’ll get away with it; I usually wait until I know the route is free). But is there anything I can do to cleanse myself so that I don’t resort to such deception? Are vaginal enemas a thing? I know douching is bad for you, but what about plain water? Can I “rinse the bag” when I take a bath or should I be patient and let my oven go through its full self-cleaning cycle?
I’ve taken the opposite route and tried to trick myself into being horny when I’m not horny, but I’d give myself about a 40 percent success rate. My body has a lot of things to do, so I figure I’d better exploit the days when I’m already horny if I can find a way to keep it clean (and yes, I’ve suggested sex in the shower, even with barely a dribble; he still prefers to wait). And for the record, I plan to talk to my new OB/GYN about getting an endometrial ablation/hysterectomy, but I asked my old doctor for years and never successful. I thought I would write to you while waiting to make this appointment; If you have any suggestions or magic words that I can use to fix it once and for all, I’m happy to hear them too!
— Tired of seeing red
Dear red light,
No magic solution here, I’m sorry to disappoint you: I’ve been trying to solve my own reproductive system problems for 24 years in two different countries, to no avail. There was a woman at the consulate a few months ago who claimed to have excellent gynecologists in the United States, but she wouldn’t make any recommendations that any of us could use.
The deception you are reporting appears to be destructive and devious. It’s a shame your partner will be put off by a drop or two of blood, but these are the beaus you’ve bonded with, and lying on your feed will sour your relationship. You say you’ll “have fun” on days when you’re actively bleeding. Have you thought about masturbating when you are horny, but your partner is also turned off on those days? This way, your excitement will not be “wasted”.
As for “purse cleaning”, you shouldn’t shower at all, not even with clean water. This won’t slow the blood much, if at all, and doctors strongly advise against this practice because, as you note, it can lead to a whole host of health problems. This could only make things worse.
Dear how to do it,
I am a 71 year old woman and already postmenopausal. I have all the vaginal atrophy and dryness you’d expect, and my doctor refuses to prescribe me hormones – originally because my mother had breast cancer at age 70, and now because I I’m too old. I tried a hormone-infused ring placed at the cervix, which releases a very low dose of estrogen. It worked well, but I developed minor irritation and spots. It was also terribly expensive, even with insurance.
The real problem, however, is that I completely lost interest in sex. I love my husband very much, but the idea of sex tires me. When I was younger I loved it and we had a great sexual connection, but now I don’t care if I never have sex again. The problem is that my husband would like to have sex. He understands that penis-in-vagina sex hurts, but I know he would welcome oral sex. I don’t mind giving oral sex as part of foreplay, but I’ve never liked doing it to (her) orgasm. An additional problem is that he also wants to please me; he has always been a very generous lover, but now I don’t even know if I could achieve an orgasm and I’m not interested in trying. The whole situation is horrible. (Neither of us are interested in opening up our relationship.) If I could just wake up a little spark of desire, just feel a tingle, I could probably go all the way, but I just can’t. Is there anything that could help?
-Libido? What libido?
Dear Libido,
Take sex off the table – perhaps temporarily – and relieve the pressure. Instead, try a technique called sensory focus. The idea is that by touching in a non-erotic way, you might rekindle that spark. You will need your husband’s cooperation. The link above describes the technique in detail (so be sure to check it out for further reading), but here’s the gist: start by touching any part of the body. except erogenous zones. Take turns being the person giving the touch and the person receiving the touch. Whether you play an active or passive role, focus all your attention and concentration on the sensations you feel. When ready, over several sensory focus sessions, add chest and nipple stimulation, then genital stimulation. The more time you spend on this exercise, the better. Good luck.
Dear how to do it,
I’m an ace who had penetrative sex for the first time and it hurt. I do not know why. My partner mentioned that I wasn’t used to sticking anything up there and would get used to it. I don’t know if they are correct or not, because I have never really explored myself sexually. How can I get to the bottom of this?
—A confused ace
Dear As Confused,
Sometimes penetration hurts the first time and doesn’t hurt again on subsequent attempts. It’s also possible that you weren’t lubricated enough, that what your partner was penetrating you with was too big (or too big for your first time), that you have some sort of medical grade tightness like vaginismus or a other condition. like vulvodynia, or that you don’t want to engage in penetration so that your body makes its negative position known.
If you want to experiment and see if one of the first two possibilities I mentioned is the right one, I recommend that you start by penetrating yourself with your finger so you can progress at your own pace. And use lube. This partner seems quick to jump to conclusions, so even if you haven’t asked me for advice on this, keep an eye on their behavior and know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. .
Dear how to do it,
My partner (M) and I (F) have a very fulfilling sex life. I have always been comfortable with my sexuality and I enjoy exploring my desires. We are both in our thirties and have had our share of past sexual experiences. However, there is something I am interested in trying with him that he is not interested in. I’ve had anal sex before and we have it together from time to time. It’s exciting for me. Sometimes he also likes to incorporate anal play/stimulation into our sex life, like using his finger near or in my anus while giving me oral sex. This really suits me.
However, I would also like to be able to touch/play with him anally, and he just doesn’t like that. I’ve told him this several times, but he says he just doesn’t like that kind of thing. As much as he likes to play with my “back door,” he claims it’s an “exit ramp only.” I know that part of the reason for his hesitation is because he is somewhat homophobic and feels that anal pleasure from him would threaten his masculinity in some way. I try to convince him that once he tries it, he will really like it. I also told him that if I didn’t feel good/comfortable, I would stop. Should I just try to forget this fantasy?
—Frustrated but satisfied
Dear Frustrated,
He said no, unequivocally. You have to accept it, and you should have already done so. Don’t keep pushing, or you risk going further into coercive territory than you already have. to have.
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