The Internet has put me in danger once again, this time by suggesting that most men spend a lot of time thinking about the Roman Empire.
About 1 billion women on TikTok asked their male relatives how often they think about ancient Rome, and they admitted that they think about it a lot, which seems strange to me, because the last time I thought of the Roman Empire never was.
Scroll through the videos of this viral trend and you’ll hear men say they think about ancient Rome “three to four times a month,” “every day,” “probably two to three times a day,” and “probably three or four times a day “. week.”
When did men decide that thinking about the Roman Empire was their new thing?
What’s going on, my friends? Did I miss a meeting where we all decided that being a guy required spending an awful lot of time thinking about the Punic Wars? (FYI, there’s a monthly men’s get-together. It’s usually held at a Buffalo Wild Wings and involves lots of hugs and empathy, as well as belching and workshops on guy-friendly terms like “dad body .”)
Pay for Twitter:Elon Musk wants me to pay to use X filled with trolls? This will be the nail in Twitter’s coffin.
The Roman Empire was heavily male-centered – unlike today’s America, which is only “mostly male-centered” – so apparently many of my peers like to think about the gladiator era , swords and towering marble columns and… oh, OK, I kind of get it now.
Am I the only man who doesn’t think about the Roman Empire all the time?
But I still feel left behind. I’ve never been curious about aqueducts, so you can imagine my surprise to learn that most other men in good standing secretly dig up anything related to old Rome while I ponder what kind of lacquer the Smurfs use to preserve their mushroom houses.
I feel like a total Doric. (Sorry, joke in the column. I’m trying to get other guys to like me.)
Lots of cool stuff came out of the Roman Empire
I did some quick Google research on the Roman Empire and learned a few things that I hope will stimulate my male brain to be more macho.
The Romans made concrete. So it’s cool. I can definitely think about that when I see, you know, sidewalks and stuff.
They loved arches, and an arch is definitely a good shape. Very rounded and so on.
They introduced one of the greatest postal services in the ancient world. Neat.
And of course, there was Caesar, whose salads we still enjoy today.
Silent walking is a health trend on TikTok.Wouldn’t it be better to march and shout?
The innovations of ancient Rome are great, but there is also patriarchy
Also, according to PBS: “Ancient Rome was a man’s world. In politics, society and the family, men held both the power and the purse strings – they even decided whether a baby would live or die.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I love communal baths and epic poetry as much as the next person, but some of this seems a little toxic and masculine.
We’re still finding our way out of the world of men, and as a confident man, I can tell you that men, on the whole, haven’t handled things particularly well. Have you looked at the world lately? Yeah.
What’s wrong with men?“Real masculinity” should look to the queer community, Generation Z.
Men must ask themselves: why, exactly, am I so attached to the Roman Empire?
Anyone yearning for a Roman Empire-style patriarchy overlooks the fact that this would create a place of near-constant war brought on by raging insecurity and pent-up emotions.
Look, the story is great, and I’m not here to judge my fellow brothers and sisters of the Roman Empire. (Although you all could have warned me that this is our new thing.)
I’m just saying that if you regularly think about the time of Augustus, togas and chariots, let’s make sure that happens because the Roman Empire was a fascinating place of great literature, architecture, science and military. could be able.
Not because they were a bunch of badasses with swords who controlled everything.
The first one is great and reasonable. The last? It’s just a little sad.
Now, if anyone needs me, I have some Smurf infrastructure issues to think about in a masculine way.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk