How long is too soon before I sleep with someone new?
I’ve heard stories of people who don’t shave their legs (or other body parts) to abstain from having sex on the first date. Their discomfort or embarrassment about body hair prevents them from making a “mistake” and having sex “too soon”.
I don’t think you should be ashamed of body hair, but I do believe it’s important to have boundaries when you want to have sex (however you choose to define them).
Many people feel uncomfortable or ashamed when talking about sex because of social expectations, because they feel judged by others, or because they are uncomfortable or unhappy with the decisions they make. they have taken in the past.
How soon is it too early to have sex with someone?
The question really is when is the right time for you. When thinking about when you should have sex, here are some things to consider:
World Vision : Do you believe that sex is sacred? Do you want to wait for the wedding? Is there a religious or spiritual context you need to remember when making this decision? If so, make sure your beliefs (whatever they are) and your actions align.
Motivation: Regardless of when you choose to have sex, it can be helpful to think about your motivation. People are motivated to have sex for many reasons: revenge, sadness, loneliness, excitement, curiosity, escape, connection, and desire (to name a few). Whatever motivates you to have sex, ask yourself if you want that emotion or belief to dictate your life. If the answer is yes, you are more likely to feel good about your decision.
Experience: Much of life is trial and error. If you’ve had sex before, you may have a clear idea of what worked for you and what didn’t. It can be helpful to pay attention to our sexual history and see what lessons we can learn from it. Was there a sexual experience that felt “too soon”? Why do you think that is?
Preference: Do you like having sex with someone you don’t know very well (adds mystery and thrill)? Do you need to feel emotionally safe before enjoying sex with someone? Do you want to engage before you engage in sexual activity? Whatever your answer will determine your comfort level and limits.
What You Should Really Ask About Sex
Make sure you feel secure in your decision – emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. And let’s keep in mind that the other person or people involved must give consent and be on the same page.
Often the question “when should I have sex?” is code for “when can I have sex without feeling bad or being judged for it?” In reality, it should be “when am I ready and what will increase my chances of having a meaningful, fun, or authentic experience?”
As you think about your limits around sex, here are some questions to think about:
- What are your considerations before having sex with someone?
- What does sex mean to you?
- What were you taught about sex?
- What does your sexual history tell you?
- What is your motivation for wanting to have sex?
- What precautions can you take to feel (fill in the blank with how you want to feel) about this interaction?
- What is your limit around sex based on? (e.g. time, frequency of appointments, feelings for the person, beliefs)
- Do you postpone or start having sex only because that’s what you think the other person wants?
Learn more about sex and relationships
Following:How do I tell my partner that I don’t want to have sex?
Read next:8 signs your partner is having an affair
Triangulation:What is it and how do you prevent it from ruining your relationship?
Are you looking for sex or intimacy? There is a difference.
It’s a fine line:What does it mean if my partner looks at racy photos on social media?
Sara Kuburic is a therapist specializing in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week, she shares her tips with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
USA Today
