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Gutfeld: Some networks have nothing to brag about


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It’s time to …

NARRATOR: CNN Death Clock Countdown

Well, where to begin ? How’s CNN+ doing?

Yeah, not well.

What are you waiting for? It was based on the premise that people who love CNN would spend money on CNN+. The problem is: there is no one who likes CNN.

CNN sign. REUTERS/Chris Aluka Berry
(Reuters)

It’s on at airports for the same reason there are uncomfortable chairs – to get you off.

Everyone hates CNN, including the people who work there, their loved ones, their pets. One day, Brian Stelter came home to find his two cats, Krispy and Kreme, had committed suicide by overdosing on catnip. On the television? “Reliable Sources.”

Working at CNN isn’t something to brag about these days. It would be like someone rejoicing to be the executive chef at Bennigan’s. Who wants anyone to know you work at CNN?

Well, unless you’re trying to catch Bette Midler – that’s how I got a hernia.

Inside, the place has the vibe of a prison yard closed after a three-day race riot. Who knows who will spit you out next?

my money is on [Jeanne Moos]. Do you remember her? She was great.

So how could you expect diehards to come to CNN+ when they don’t even have snitches?

Then… CNN executives figured viewers already had plenty of time for CNN+ since they weren’t watching CNN. It’s pretty smart.

CNN's Brian Stelter. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)

CNN’s Brian Stelter. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)
(Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)

Former media editor Jon Nicosia reports that tensions between some talent and producers are higher than Snoop eating a bag of Doritos on the roof of a dispensary.

Some have daily breakdowns and threaten to walk – we won’t name names. And that’s because no one is watching. CNN paid millions in exchange for having less than 10,000 viewers.

I did the math and it depressed me. If I was paid what CNN talent was paid per view, I would live in a mansion made up of little mansions and inside each one a Barbie dream house.

It is therefore a media platform with less than 10,000 people. For perspective, do you know what attracts more than 10,000 people?

YouTube knitting channels get 100 times what CNN+ gets. Proper flossing YouTube channels – same thing, and it’s just videos of people flossing.

I can’t get enough.

But “Dog took a shit and posted it on YouTube” – he’d do better and not get paid $1,000 a shit unless the Germans bought the network.

Unfortunately, CNN employees are preparing for layoffs and budget cuts. Which, to me, sounds like a pretty big opportunity for Elon.

While he waits on Twitter, he should grab CNN like dog poo and make it into something useful, like a Jiffy Lube or a Buffalo Wild Wings, or maybe a channel that covers the news instead of create it.

CNN's Brian Stelter.

CNN’s Brian Stelter.
(REUTERS/Andrew Kelly)

Think about it. What if CNN was a news channel? Oh, but then what are they doing with other recent recruits like Jamal Hill or Rex Chapman? One is a breathless scammer, and the other tricks CNN into thinking he’s not just stealing videos from Twitter.

I guess they’re going to make the headlines where the rest of their talent is going to die. They should call it tombstone news.

Then there is Stelter. I can’t bear to lose him because he gives me nonstop content. He was my moose – I mean muse.

His latest F-up? On “Reliable Sources” on Sunday, he invited professors to discuss a study in which Fox viewers were paid — paid in cash — to watch CNN seven hours a week.

Here’s a photo from a Fox viewer of that experience. It’s funny. CNN now has to pay people to watch their shitty TV.

CNN is your only choice – if you’ve lost the remote. But a funny thing happened in this segment, and it wasn’t Stelter sneaking in a calzone he hid under his coat.

Joshua Kalla, a Yale professor, was asked to discuss the study, and Stelter assumed he would hit Fox. Didn’t go that way.

BRIAN STELTER: So, Josh, you all call this filtering partisan coverage. And basically you’re proving what we’ve felt for a while, which is that Fox viewers are in the dark about bad news for the GOP.

JOSHUA KALLA: It’s true, Fox and CNN cover different issues, and Fox News mostly covers issues that make the GOP look good and Democrats look bad. And on the other hand, CNN also engages in this filtering of partisan coverage that we find, for example, around this time the Abraham Accords were signed. And those are the deals where Israel, the UAE, and Bahrain signed a major peace deal, and we see that Fox News covered that really major achievement about 15 times more than CNN. So we’ve established that both networks are really engaging in this partisan filtering of coverage. It’s not about one side, it’s about the media in general.

STELTER: I think you engage on both sides – ism there, Josh.

You engage with both sides – ism Josh.

Look, Pillsbury, the data, the research, has shown both sides. That’s why he used it. It’s called context, something CNN is deathly allergic to. And that’s why CNN is sinking.

They don’t believe there is more than one side to their fabricated stories. And if you show them one, well, it’s both sides – ism or they’ll call you a racist.

The reason they fear Elon Musk is the same reason they are obsessed with Fox. This is because we are threatening their fake news bubble.

Now it is being destroyed. And I have to admit, it’s kind of fun to see that feeling you got as a kid watching the Wicked Witch melt away.

It is an incredible moment to see the guardians of false narratives crumble. Remember that golden moment?

CHRISTOPHER PHILLIPS: All the mistakes of the mainstream media and CNN in particular seem to magically go in one direction. Are we supposed to believe that this is all just some kind of random coincidence, or is there something else behind it all?

STELTER: Pity — lunchtime.

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Stelter wanting to go to lunch was the most honest thing he had ever said.

But at some point, you can’t rely on food to escape, unless you’re baking a saw in a cake.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the April 15, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”


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