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OK. But we will also try something here. We innovate. It’s time to. Scratch and sniff monologues. It has never been done, and probably for good reason. But it’s true. At all times, dear viewers, you will be asked to scratch the TV screen when an image appears. And then you have to guess what this picture smells like. I know there is something wrong with me. There is something wrong with me. But isn’t it fun? It’s a treat for all of you back home and for our fans watching for free at Best Buy. So let’s go to the first.
So. Scratch it and sniff it. All right, get up there. Rise. Just awesome. Feel it, feel it. Feel your fingers. Oh. Go up there. OK. What is this smell? What are they talking about? Now, if you guessed the parmesan, you won. But we’ll accept Crisco because we know it does. Repugnant.
OK. According to a new audio leak obtained by The Washington Examiner. Hunter claims his father considered him a god. And if that’s not an argument for atheism, what is?
But Hunter could be confused every time he called his dad to tell him what kind of trouble he was in, Joe said, Oh my God, what did you do now?
The recording was stored on this laptop, we were told it was Russian misinformation by this lady. You remember her? All right, get up there. Go up there. You have 2 seconds to smell it. What does it smell like? Does she smell the scent of a new career? You’re right. But we would have had Russian vinaigrette.
GREG GUTFELD: WE REACH OUR LIMITS WITH AWAKENING
In any event. Let’s go to Hunter. I wonder if we’re going to talk about anything.
RECORDING OF HUNTER BIDEN: We’ll talk about everything I want him to do and what he believes in. If I say it’s important to me, then he’ll find a way to make it part of his platform. The man I admire most in the world, this god to me, thinks I’m a god. And my brother too… and the three of us. It was literally that I had the support to know that I could do anything.
Yeah. Including his brother’s wife. Yeah. In any event. Hunter claims his father would do anything he said, which must have made the prostitutes very nervous. Speaking of pop. Here is. OK. What is this smell? Get very close. Breathe deeply. Is it a disaster? Is it incompetence? How about a loaded pair of Depends and a polygrip?
Well, yesterday he put on quite a show at the AFL-CIO. With each clip more viral than a bucket full of Monkeypox, which, by the way, is Ben and Jerry’s new flavor. But he doesn’t want to hear about those lies anymore.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: I don’t want to hear those lies about reckless spending anymore, we are changing people’s lives.
Hey, we’re changing people’s lives. It’s true, in fact. My neighbor Phil now asks to be called Phyllis. We are actually closer now yesterday I went shopping with him. It’s difficult.
But if Joe is changing people’s lives, how good is that? Polio has also changed lives. I’m not saying Joe is like polio, am I? It doesn’t matter, because I bet his plan is simple.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: My plan is simple. First, I am doing everything in my power to mitigate Putin’s gas price hike. It’s going to take time, but let the world coordinate the bigger release. Would I be able to make the biggest Global Fund oil release in history.
He didn’t even like the sentences he started with. I mean, it was a mess and it wasn’t true. But okay, because this plan is not finished. Like this sentence and the results are not finished either.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: That’s why my plan isn’t over and why the results aren’t over either.
The results are not finished. It’s the same thing the plastic surgeon said about Michael Jackson’s face. Oh what? Too early. It’s the only thing left.
So what is his solution for a faltering economy? I bet all he’s asking is that the biggest corporations and the wealthiest Americans pay their fair share.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: All I’m asking is that the biggest corporations and the wealthiest Americans start paying their fair share of taxes.
Yeah, we wouldn’t mind paying our fair share if we hadn’t already. But he is right. Paying $5 a gallon for gas and $6 a pound for a hamburger is not fair to us at all. I always knew that by living in New York, I would end up getting mugged. I didn’t think it would be by my butcher.
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And by the way, since when is raising taxes a solution to inflation? We are already taxed by rising prices. And now you want to add more? It’s as if he only had one tool to solve 20 different problems.
He’s a proctologist whose only medical device is a hand grenade. Yeah, at least he’s not coughing. I am not joking. Yeah. The last time I coughed like this, I was being checked for a hernia by Kevin Spacey. Sorry. There’s no question that Joe was exposed to COVID-19, but it’s COVID 1819. But America still has a choice to make.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: America still has a choice to make.
So, do we impeach you now or invoke the 25th Amendment? And what about those higher paying jobs?
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Better paying jobs? For better jobs for them and their families. It hasn’t happened in this country for a long time.
Yeah. Long duration. You have to go back to 2020. Oh, those were the days.
So why is everything so bad now? Well, instead of focusing on the economy, his woke White House targeted parents on school boards, elevated identity above education, made sure every job appointment was a historic first and a historic worst instead of prioritizing skill and now under Biden even pads are in short supply. If this isn’t a war on women, I’m Joy Behar. And how do you know I’m not? Yeah. We could pass for twins if I stopped shaving my back.
But that doesn’t affect Joe because nothing does. He’s just there for the ride and he doesn’t even drive. And that’s why, as gas prices skyrocket, that’s not his problem either. The last time he was behind the wheel was when a member of the Secret Service pulled him into the grounds of the White House in a red wagon.
And so we have a president who not only doesn’t feel your pain, he doesn’t even think about it. One thing at a time. And this thing is usually, how do I get up the stairs?
He is not a figure for a crisis. Listen, I know my limits. If I’m at a party and you need drinks, I’ll make them. But if someone starts choking, I’ll be as useless as Dr. Jill Biden. In this kind of emergency, I’ll disappear faster than Jesse Watters when the check comes. We need someone to throw us a lifeline here. Not an idiot, huh? I wonder what Joe has to say.
BIDEN-LIKE STAFF: Hey, come on, man. Look, look, look. I’m fed up and I’m fed up, man. Hey listen, I know some things are more expensive, gas, but some things are cheaper. You have to look around. And, I mean, look at this. My pillow. I just had this guy with a two for one. Practically give them away. And have you priced LP records lately? Look at this. These cost ten dollars. Fifty dollars on eBay. OK. Macho, macho. They have everything there. I have a little over a dollar. How about that? $0.99 Cher’s greatest hits. Look, I think she was better after she left Ike Turner.