Greg Gutfeld: The elites are finally admitting distance education has been a failure


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It’s almost the weekend. I can already see Kat’s mascara running down her face as she faces me sobbing in a drunk Brooklyn tank.

Speaking of kids, as you know, I hate them. Small, coarse, delicate, sticky, smelly and stupid. And from what I hear, constantly needing food, water and shelter. They are like pets, but with tuition. Also, they take all the booster seats every time I go to a restaurant.

So we’ve established that kids are stupid, but should we make them dumber?

It sounds, well, really stupid and the New York Times agrees in an article that finally denounces the extended school closings. When COVID broke out, schools in every state closed faster than Disneyland after a teacup death. It happens. You don’t remember.

GREG GUTFELD: THE LEFT CONTINUES TO TRY TO SHUT DOWN FREE SPEECH

Distance learning took over, but then districts began to make their own opening choices. Some have taken over in person. Others remain closed. During this time, I completely stopped my wrestling class which I was running in the attic.

But these differences, as the Times notes, allow us to compare remote learning versus in-person instruction. And the results are there. Like CNN+, Distance Learning**** reads it.

According to research, I had my assistant read aloud while I was getting a pedicure. Students who attended in-person school for most of 2020 and 2021 lost 20% of typical school year math learning. Fortunately for them, this figure no longer means anything to them. Some of the losses came from distance learning, but others from families struggling with illness and other things.

But students who stayed home most of the time fared much worse, losing about 50% of math learning over that two-year window, or about 50%. And if my high school algebra holds up, that’s at least a third.

So now the experts agree that in person is good, remotely is bad. Or maybe the so-called experts realize that remote learning has made it harder for your child to bribe you with his politics. If mom and dad were checking lessons, maybe these numbers are meant to get your kids back to school where they can be freely indoctrinated. Have you ever thought of that? I just did. And it really hurt my head.

Moreover, this is not the first time that schools have made poor staffing choices.

STAFF 1: Thanks for coming, Deborah. So tell me, why would you be the ideal choice to teach in our school district?

STAFF 2: Well, as a polyamorous, non-binary privileged person, I understand that no childhood is complete without understanding how racist you truly are. Me, I love teaching art. I have four master’s degrees to prove it. The kids could help me design the matching neck tattoos I want to get with my five partners. They are sexual partners. We have sex. Move on.

STAFF 1: Well, I’m sold. Welcome to Elementary Che Guevara.

Unfortunately, the school closures have really hit low-income students. Black and Latino students have fallen far behind, creating a chasm in academic inequality that already existed and could now last for years. It’s a flaw the admins can’t blame for racism, though you know they’ll try.

We may not know the consequences of this for years, when the responsible fools have comfortably retired with their massive pensions. And hopefully by then I’ll have left the country with Clive Owen to start that apple farm that we talked about. I want to call it, “how do you like these apples?” He keeps calling the cops. Clive, no.

So who does the Times blame? Now that’s amazing. Are you seated? Of course you are. Who watches TV standing at home? Well, they show that schools with a lot of poor students who are more likely to walk away tend to be run by Democrats, who are more likely to have union teachers whose unions have lobbied for Distance Learning. Must have killed the Times to admit it. Their autocorrect kept turning the teachers union into sexist white men out of habit.

But we knew it every time we said it, however, they shit on us like they were Amber Heard in the linen department at Macy’s. It is evident that low-income students do less well at a distance because their homes may not be as conducive to real learning as wealthier families. It’s hard for a 14-year-old girl to do her homework while she cooks eggs for her younger siblings because mom has already left for work.

So the vulnerable have once again been fooled by the people who claim to be their saviors. It’s something we were shouting about, but we’re Fox News. If we say it’s bad, the Democrats have to say it’s good. We could say that testosterone therapy is harmful. And next week, the cast of “The View” will all have handlebar mustaches. Not that I would notice.

A sign taped to the front door of the Pulaski International School of Chicago reads: School closed after Chicago Public Schools, the nation's third-largest school district, said they would cancel classes as the union of teachers voted in favor of a return to distance learning, in Chicago, January 5, 2022. REUTERS / Jim Vondruska

A sign taped to the front door of the Pulaski International School of Chicago reads: School closed after Chicago Public Schools, the nation’s third-largest school district, said they would cancel classes as the union of teachers voted in favor of a return to distance learning, in Chicago, January 5, 2022. REUTERS / Jim Vondruska
(REUTERS/Jim Vondruska)

So was it preventable? Well, school administrators knew that extended school closures were harmful a year and a half before they acted. They gave in to teachers who didn’t want to go to work unless the environment was guaranteed to be 100% COVID-free.

We also knew that the spread of COVID was no worse in places that reopened compared to places that remained closed. Yet the politicians bowed to the unions. As the Times notes, I quote: “Officials said they were doing this to protect children and especially the most vulnerable children. The effect, however, was often the opposite.”

So, are you surprised? I’m not. I guess the silver lining is that we’ve learned something from the pandemic that we can use next time, which Dr. Fauci predicts by Tuesday and worse, our kids will be too stupid to remember what to do.


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