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GREG GUTFELD: Sarah Ashton-Cirillo is the American voice Zelenskyy didn’t see coming

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Yes. Yes. Happy Thursday everyone. You look fantastic. I’m lying, but I’m so excited because it’s time.

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Yeah. No. Very good, very good, very good. President Zelensky just happened to be in New York for the United Nations General Assembly to advocate for more aid for Ukraine, which means more money, more weapons, and fewer visits from Sean Penn. Unfortunately, he was unable to meet with President Biden. Too bad he almost couldn’t wait to shake his hand, but Zelenskyy missed much more than congratulating the zombie-in-chief. He also did not know that the spokesperson for his own army was this American. Yeah, just an all-American girl. The one that makes Leah Thomas look like Reese Witherspoon.

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SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: Next week, the teeth of Russia’s demons will gnash even louder and their enraged mouths will foam in an uncontrollable frenzy as the world watches a favorite Kremlin propagandist pay for his crimes and this Putin puppet is just the first. Russian war criminal propagandists will all be hunted down and justice will be served.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy during a press briefing with the press July 8, 2023 in Lviv, Ukraine. (Mykola Tys/Global Images Ukraine via Getty Images)

Sorry ma’am, justice would be done if someone bought you a better wig. I also apologize to anyone watching this on the West Coast at dinner time, especially if you’re eating sausage. So Zelensky didn’t know who Sarah Ashton-Cirillo was, a deeply queer transgender spokesperson. Good for him. I don’t usually find out that the lady is a guy until we get back to the hotel. But now the Ukrainian military has suspended Sarah for being a psychopath on social media. Viewers may also remember this one.

SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: If you look at Putin’s mouth, you will notice blood coming out of it. He is a vampire who commits genocide against Ukrainians and Russians. Vlad Putin bathes in the blood of innocent children and profits from it. This is why the dictator of the Russian Federation must be removed.

Doesn’t it seem hypocritical for a trans person to insult vampires? After all, they come from Transylvania. But Sarah seems nice. If by nice you mean, crazy fucking bat. So it’s not at all about Sarah being trans. That’s because she’s crazy and an American spokesperson for a foreign war. I don’t understand. And yes, Putin is a bad guy. TRUE. He makes Ivan the Terrible seem like Ivan the Not So Bad once you get to know him. And if you ever meet Putin, my advice is to not stand near an open window. That breeze you feel is that of an oligarch passing from the ground above you. Vlad has had more enemies defeated than anyone, even though he trails him closely. But apparently Zelenskyy had no idea who it was and claims he never approved the hiring of Ashton-Cirillo. But there are a lot of things Zelenskyy doesn’t know, like how to find green shirts at Old Navy that fit him. But it’s like that gets him off the hook and by hook I mean Sarah’s penis. I know, but Zelensky didn’t know this person, who could have predicted this?

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TOM SHILLUE: It does not mean anything. I don’t know who they are, but has anyone asked Zelenskyy, you know (if) he’s comfortable with this person. They should. They should ask him that.

Mmmm, Tom Shillue, his tagline should be: he’s as smart as white. So why does it finally involve the HR department? It’s not because poor Sarah asked for time off for a prostate exam and Pap smear. It’s because this weirdo with a bag of weirdos is preying on American citizens. Last week, Senator JD Vance sent a letter to Secretary of State Anthony Blinken asking who this person is and why a US citizen is acting as a spokesperson for a foreign government and why he, she and/or it continues to be online. and say crazy things. I mean, who does Sarah think she is, Joy Behar? So Vance wants to know what we want to know. Who is this clown? Why is an American acting as spokesperson for the Ukrainian army? And who pays for all this? And why does he keep giving me flashbacks of my eighth grade lunch lady? And now I clench my private parts when I hear the words tater tots. This cuckoo clock responded to the senator’s inquiry with another deeply strange video.

SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: While in Ukraine we fight for global freedom and the ideology of victory, too many people in Moscow and around the world still focus on the hackneyed cliché of gender chaos.

Sorry, champ. This statement about gender chaos might carry more weight if it didn’t come from a man named Sarah. I mean, how can Ukraine not win with this person involved? Look, it’s just that after 250 years in the US military, you’re the first spokesperson to tuck in his balls before getting dressed. But cheers for stealing Jen Psaki’s hair. So how did Sarah get here in the army, our army? This eccentric holds the rank of Junior Sergeant, which means someone has promoted to that rank. I guess being a protected class opens all doors and not just the girls’ locker room, but does Sarah want to end by saying something unequivocal?

GREG GUTFELD: WE’RE SEEING MORE EXAMPLES OF PEOPLE USING THE TRANS BANNER TO DO CRAZY THINGS

Biden Ukraine

U.S. President Joe Biden and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy visit St. Michael’s Cathedral, amid the Russian attack on Ukraine, in Kyiv, Ukraine, February 20, 2023. (Reuters/Gleb Garanich)

SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: I will end by making it clear unequivocally that I am only responding to three groups of people. My Ukrainian commanders, the Ukrainian people and the American taxpayer.

Well, he left out the girls at the Macy’s makeup counter who helped him hide his 5 o’clock shadow. But he says he answers to American taxpayers. Well, okay, as an American taxpayer, I demand an answer: Do you have yeast infections or itching? But also, what’s going on there? Yes, they are waging a war. I should know I’m paying for this. But they didn’t know that this charmer was going online and saying all this weird shit on their behalf. It’s like the head of FOX News doesn’t know Kilmeade still works here. But it’s like everything else in this administration, no one knows what comes out of Joe’s mouth either. And between Sam Brinton and Rachel Levine, we don’t have administration, we have a live theatrical rendition of Tootsie.

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Sarah is perhaps the perfect metaphor for this war, absorbing lots of money, relying on rhetoric rather than reality, all while giving grand speeches about freedom. But if you look closer, you won’t like what slaps you.

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