Disney’s ‘Indiana Jones 5’ Debuts To Brutal Reviews

I remember sitting crystal sucks, come home, write and post a devastating review (which is no longer online) and be blown away by the good and great reviews from everywhere else. After that, I started to question myself. Maybe I was in a bad mood? Maybe my laughs were boosted? But history, as it almost always does, has proven that I am a prophet of cinema.

With these 77% of fresh products for crystal sucks in mind, how dial of fate must be to currently sit at 43 percent rotten? It’s based only on 14 reviews, so that can and will change, but even the “good” reviews give you pause. Here is an excerpt from a “good” review:

evening standard:

His hat is back. His whip is back. His ophidiophobia – that is, the fear of snakes – is back. And, briefly, at the start of the film, so is Indiana Jones’ youth. Nonetheless, despite all the relentless action, it’s a finale that, like its protagonist, definitely shows its age.

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But has director James Mangold also miraculously restored the franchise to the youthful splendor of Raiders of the Lost Ark? No, but there are enough elements in this latest installment that certainly catapult it above its misjudged predecessor, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Here’s a taste of the negative reviews – and yes, boss Phoebe-Not-Cates emasculates Indy: (emphasis added throughout)

BBC:

Like another of Ford’s so-called “legacy sequels,” Star Wars: The Force Awakens, this one brings back old characters (John Rhys-Davies’ Sallah makes an unnecessary appearance), introduces new ones that look like oddly to old characters (Ethann Isidore plays a mediocre copy of Short Round from Temple of Doom), and feels like a movie passing the torch (or whip) to the next generation. But it does all of this in an even darker way than The Force Awakens. I don’t know how many fans want to see Indiana Jones as a helpless, broken old man who cowers in a corner while his condescending goddaughter takes the lead, but that’s what we’re given, and it’s just as dark as it may seem.

Even Disney’s sycophants Hollywood journalist are unhappy:

This uninterrupted rhythm may seem ideal, but above all it is exhausting work.. When dial of fate gives an explicit nod to previous episodes — Indy remembering drinking Kali’s blood, enduring voodoo torture, or being shot nine times; or he and his new companions sneaking down a narrow stone hallway and halfway discovering it’s full of creepy critters – it’s a reminder of how fun those early movies were. And still are, despite a few eyebrow-raising racist caricatures that belong to a simpler, less culturally sensitive time.

Variety:

“Indiana Jones and the Dial of Fate” is a dutifully longing but ultimately rather joyless piece of nostalgic hokum. It’s the fifth installment in the “Indiana Jones” franchise, and while it has its “relentless” action quota, it rarely tries to match (let alone surpass) the ingeniously staged kinetic bravery of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.

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Have you ever seen an action sequence unfold on top of a high-speed train? We’ve all seen 10,000, and this one, while effectively executed, is successful with just enough CGI to see the digital seams.

Vanity Lounge:

As if the filmmakers were aware of this inherent problem, they’re adding more magic than perhaps ever existed in the franchise. (Well, okay, there was aliens In crystal skull.) At the climax of the film – which looks washed out and yellowish – we’ve traveled perilously far from trapped caves and serial matinee moxie. Indy just doesn’t seem well around the movie, an old man who’s been dragged somewhere he doesn’t belong.

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At least Ford seems in good shape, although for once I wish a character revisited in a silver sequel, years later, wasn’t dealing with heartbreak. Let Indy have fun! Or, better yet, let it rest in the glow of memory, forever an icon.

How many franchises does franchise killer Kathleen Kennedy wake up raped about before being fired? So far, it’s three: star wars, willowAnd IndianaJones.

By the way, this super alarm clock willow The TV series is such a flop on Disney+, so rejected by viewers, it is already scheduled to be removed from the streaming service to save money.

The first three IndianaJones the movies are fantastic. Why waste your time with trash when you can see it again?

Why spend all that time and money going to the movies and sitting in the trash when you can buy a Blu-ray of a classic movie you’ve never seen for half the price? Why not use your time and money to try your luck this way? It’s a much safer bet, and the Blu-ray is yours.

Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook page here.