Ask Amy: My daughter excluded my disabled partner from a family gathering

Dear Amy: I am a widower and my significant other, “Siena”, is a widow. A long time ago, we dated in college (semi-seriously) for a few years, but “life” got in the way and we broke up. We married other people. Both of our spouses are deceased. Decades later, we now have a wonderful relationship.

Last year I brought Siena to my daughter’s big annual family reunion. We had a great time. We felt welcome (we thought); but this year everything has changed. I received a text from my daughter inviting me, but not Siena, to the party. I texted back, “What about Siena?” She responded that some members of her husband’s family were uncomfortable with Siena’s presence.

Here’s the kicker… Siena had polio a long time ago (when she was a child), completely paralyzing both of her legs; and she uses long leg braces and aluminum forearm crutches to walk. I was told that “some” of last year’s participants were “worried” that she would trip over the young children running around, but we don’t think that was the real reason.

At a party last year, someone asked Siena if she had been vaccinated against polio as a child. She responded that her mother would not allow her to get a polio vaccine. She described it this way: “Even back then, some people were crazy anti-vaccines. » Obviously, there are some (or at least one) anti-vaccines in my son-in-law’s family; and Siena’s comment must have offended one or more of them. Or maybe they just don’t like being around people with disabilities.

We’re totally fine with not attending the party, but do you think I should discuss with my daughter the “banishment” of Siena or should I let it pass to ensure peace with the in-laws? Siena is convinced that we (I) should let it go. What do you think?

Undecided: You can ask your daughter for further clarification regarding banishing “Siena” from her home for this event. (It is possible that these anti-vaccination in-laws are also too delicate, scared or offended to face the consequent reality of a world without vaccinations?)

Your daughter may not admit that one or more members of her husband’s family fall into the “crazy anti-vaccine” category, but I think it would be helpful to try to discern how much your girl is open to having a relationship with your partner. You and Siena are together and Siena is therefore (essentially) becoming part of your daughter’s family. The same dynamic that drives you to want to keep peace with your in-laws also extends to your daughter, who needs to show kindness to your partner.

After asking this question, you should listen to your daughter and, assuming she won’t provide a satisfactory answer, you and Siena should stay home together that day and then, yes, let it go.

Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I are in our late 20s. My grandfather recently passed away and I inherited $500,000! This came as a complete surprise and of course, in addition to missing my grandfather and being grateful for his generosity, we are delighted with this unexpected gift.

My girlfriend is looking forward to early retirement. She sees this as a life change and we talk about how best to spend it. We have agreed to explain this dilemma to you.

Blessed: I appreciate your confidence in me; you should even more trust a qualified financial advisor. My reaction is: This is not the girlfriend money you can dream of. It’s yours.

One way this windfall could “change your life” is for you to carefully consider your girlfriend’s reaction. You should not think about how to spend this money, but how to invest or save it. That’s a huge amount of money, and yet it’s not even close to the amount someone your age would need to retire. (However, if you want, it could get you comfortably into your first home, which could be a good investment for you.)

Dear Amy: Responding to “Perplexed parents“Speaking of insisting on As and Bs in middle school, we have three grown children. We also agreed on rules regarding the payment of their tuition fees.

Our rules were: you must pass a course in order for us to continue paying tuition. You must also complete your college education by age 30 and our coverage only covers bachelor’s degrees. They all thought it was fair, and we are happy to say that they all graduated this spring.

Proud: Congratulations to all of you!

© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.

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Gn Health

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