A Psychologist Shares 4 Pitfalls That Can Sabotage ‘Senior Love’

Dating at any age can be difficult. However, “grey relationships” or romantic relationships among older adults show a worrying trend. In 2022, 36% of Americans who divorce were over the age of 50. Additionally, those 65 and older were the only age group to show an increasing divorce rate. These numbers highlight the deepening cracks in what should be the “golden age” of a romantic relationship.

A 2023 study published in Frontiers of psychology examined the challenges older adults face in intimate relationships, unveiling four major relationship problems plaguing their generation.

Here are four challenges that sabotage older people’s love, according to the study.

1. Infidelity and jealousy

The most common cause of relationship problems is the unwanted presence of a third person – a partner or ex-partner. To begin with, infidelity seriously hampers older people’s relationships, particularly because they feel that their advanced age puts them at a disadvantage in moving forward and finding love again.

“Last week I read a loving text message to my husband and since then I’ve been having a nervous breakdown. We have been together for 42 years without the slightest problem. I love my husband and I don’t want to lose him,” said a 64-year-old participant, worried about extramarital threats to her relationship.

Jealousy in intimate relationships can also be linked to people from a partner’s past. “My partner hates my children and grandchildren, refuses to communicate with them and does not respond to their greetings… When I see my children, grandchildren, he starts to be mean and vulgar to me. He doesn’t talk to me for days,” said a 60-year-old participant, disturbed by her partner’s intolerant behavior.

2. Relational distance

The quality of relationships between older people is also affected by distance and lack of warmth and attention to each other. Older adults also perceive their relationship problems and emotional disconnection as more stressful and painful. They feel that they have less time left, which reinforces their worries and makes them believe that they lack other perspectives. This often leaves them unhappy and feeling trapped in their relationship.

Estrangement and lack of warmth may manifest as negative attitudes, a decline in shared activities, or a lack of interest in one’s partner. Often, older couples face a decline in sexual intimacy and a loss of a sense of partnership.

“We haven’t slept together in three years. There is nothing to communicate at home. We can’t live together anymore… We don’t do anything together,” said a 44-year-old participant.

A decline in sexual activity can break down deeper intimacy between a couple in their later years. A study published in Archives of sexual behavior also found that a change in sex drive can vary by gender. Women’s sexual responses depend on relationship contexts, such as having children and maintaining long-term relationships, while men’s sexual responses depend primarily on their sexual functioning. These differences can create an additional divide in a couple’s love life.

3. Unwanted Personality Changes

A crucial aspect affecting the quality of relationships in older adults is a pronounced change in a partner’s behavior, thinking, or communication. Adverse life events, illnesses, or deterioration in executive functions can cause unexpected changes in personality.

Personality changes such as aggression, laziness, greed, and bitterness can strain relationships with older adults.

“Somehow I can’t explain the transformation of a man who was reliable, kind and loved his family, and then suddenly turned into a womanizer. Today he is 60 years old and he is someone else,” said another study participant.

Additionally, major life transitions also have the power to shake the foundations of older people’s love.

“My husband and I have been together for 43 years. Everything was normal when we worked. Now we are both retired and have a bit of cabin fever. I don’t understand how some men his age can change so much,” said another 63-year-old participant.

4. Somatic diseases and problems

The onset of illness, becoming a caregiver, facing sexual difficulties, or the moral obligation to care for an ill partner can decrease relationship quality and satisfaction. Many people may also face the dilemma of how much they should help while trying to preserve their own well-being.

Becoming a caregiver can be an unexpected burden that leads to a change in the relationship, making individuals feel less like a couple and more like patients and caregivers.

“I wanted to divorce a long time ago. Now, after caring for my husband after surgery and illness, I feel old and tired. Suddenly it’s like waiting for death. I have no idea how I will handle this at my age,” said one participant.

Managing illness in an intimate relationship can exhaust both partners physically and mentally. Additionally, emotional strain related to marriage may also impact physical health behaviors involving diet and physical activity, creating additional marital dysfunction.

These stories highlight the complexities inherent in gray relationships. The awareness of finite time can cast a shadow over the prospect of seeking new connections. Although starting over may seem daunting, it is essential to embrace the possibility of forming fulfilling relationships at any stage of life.

By recognizing that it’s not over until it’s over, older adults can cultivate hope, resilience, and a willingness to explore new avenues of connection and intimacy. In doing so, they may discover that the richness of human relationships knows no limits.

Are you wondering how satisfied you are with your relationship? Take this psychological assessment to discover: Relationship Satisfaction Scale