10 Tips to Fight Seasonal Depression and Ultimately Fail Like You Do at Everything Else

It’s that time of year again: a palette of autumnal colors paints the landscape. Vacation nostalgia transforms from an empty memory into a feeling of nostalgia. The winds go from a gentle pinch to a firm bite, beckoning you to dig out your wool coat and – wait, there’s something in the pocket. A memory from the last cold season? It’s a reminder from your then-girlfriend to pick up her inhaler on the way home, which you absolutely did. not TO DO. Because you never followed up Nothing, You a piece of shit. You know that’s why she left you, right? Oh man. You are now heading towards an all-too-familiar pit of despair: seasonal depression. But don’t break out that canned hair dye just yet – Hard Drive has come up with 10 tips to combat the ‘Winter Blues’, if you can overcome them.

Start your fitness journey by filming it all

Working out in a gym is a good start to improving your self-image and, more importantly, what others think of yourself – so pull out that iPhone and impose your sweaty flesh on the world. Make sure you come equipped with a water bottle the size of a grain silo, military grade narcissism and no ability to read social cues. Your gym buddies will appreciate the free exhibition!

Adopt a cat, then a second cat

Pets are proven antidotes for depression, but let’s be honest: That first cat will do it. tear your apartment up. Torn blinds, pissed off furniture, poop in your shoes, etc. Obviously the problem is that cats are lonely and the obvious solution is to find them a friend. If you have similar problems with the second cat, just get another one and repeat as many times as necessary.

Hone Your Love Skills With One Of These Weird Dating Sims

Why not? A love interest does wonders for the psyche, and even if you are not you’ll find yourself courting a supernatural God disguised as a jolly student, one of those sims could be a good practice before launching into real life. Despite their simple nature, suggestions such as “Match 4 colors and I’ll let you take me home!” and “Gather evidence to prove we are not related!” I surely have a few some sort of real-world application, right? (In order to save you a vicious roast in Discord, we strongly we advise you to hide this one in your Steam library.)

Avoid drinking alcohol, smoke pot instead

“During periods of sadness, people are more likely to cope with alcohol, which perpetuates the descent into illness,” says renowned depression expert Vicenzo Corningston. We both know what he’s really saying: smoke more weed. Ignore the slightly chemical taste and the bouts of intense paranoia: that’s how you know you have the Good product. Cough, big guy.

WHATEVER IT IS, consume a ton of alcohol too

On reflection, perhaps not the problem is drinking. To hell with the “experts”. Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, Frank Sinatra: all famous for their insatiable drinking habits, and even more famous for being cool as hell. Have you ever seen someone frowning in a beer commercial? No you don’t. So float like a boat on the Whiskey River, until your troubles are far behind.

Open a credit card to pay for multiple mental health app subscriptions

Happify, Moodfit, MindShift, Discussion space – the options are limitless, as long as you don’t view your finances as a limitation. However, if the entry price of $65 per week per app seems too steep at first, simply open a line of credit to cover the cost! You can’t put a price on your sanity, and after all, credit is essentially play money. Don’t let some cowardly bullshit called FICO or Experian come between you and your emotional well-being.

Find true love in VRChat

That’s it. All this time spent playing Galdranak: Love story from his half-brother’s universe! is about to pay. You focus the lenses on your headset and lock eyes with her from opposite booths in the virtual Waffle House – her, a nine-foot-tall Sleestak with offensively large breasts, and you, the shuffling corpse of Ronald Reagan. It’s your fate. Yes, the violently glitched limbs and voice modulation are a bit off-putting, and she East you ask a lot of questions about your banking information, but we both know you can’t afford to pass up this surefire chance at romance. What are routing and account numbers, but simply the steps to follow staircase of love?

Shit your pants at work so you can take a day off

Everyone deserves a mental health day, and luckily there’s a surefire way to get out of your shift: bend some wood in these Dickies. There is no chance they make you stay after that, follow-up meetings with management be damned. Then, proudly waddle out the door, go home, listen to your favorite comforting show, and take a nap—after taking a shower and doing laundry, of course.

Just kind of waiting for things to end?

If none of the tips above have worked for you, then our best recommendation for you is the one you’re good at: doing nothing. Hunker down, dive into one of the many Humble Bundles you’ve purchased (but never even bothered to download), and hope that global warming continues on its current trajectory. Of course it could seem myopic, but when it’s 70°F in March, we can quickly return to what we’re used to: good old regular depression, as God intended.

Oh man, I just realized there are only nine entries. Whatever I do not care.